Happy Blogging Birthday!

Just a quick post to wish a very happy blogging birthday to one of my favorite blogs, The Reedster Speaks.

Cindy is my good friend, teacher and mentor. But most of all, she's courageous, honest and damn funny.

You'll laugh, you'll think, you'll shoot your beverage from your nose. (Best not to drink while reading the Reedster!)

Congratulations Reedster on an amazing year of blogging!

A New Year, A New Way

My first New Years Eve with Wookie was a cold night in 2003,standing on the New Jersey side of the Hudson River with a couple of cups of hot chocolate. The skies over the Hudson were quiet. And at midnight when the ball dropped in Times Square, I was shocked to find that I could hear the cheers of the city erupt with the new year.

It was magical and as fireworks lit the sky, I told Wookie I loved him too. (He'd been saying it since our first date, a week before on Christmas.)

This became our New Years Eve ritual for our first eight years together. Standing near that spot, on some very cold nights, waiting for the ball to drop, reflecting on our year and looking toward the future.

Over the years it became harder to hear the cheers. The night sky has become a buzz with low-flying helicopters. The skyline has changed. And our reflections have changed as well. We've had a few rough years and our conversations, as we've looked out over the black waters of the Hudson have turned to tales of survival.

We watched the fireworks saying "screw you Twenty-(Ten/ Eleven)! We survived!"  We faced the new year battle-scarred, exhausted, and more uncertain that hopeful.

Twenty-twelve was a hard year as well. We had our high points and triumphs, but we are not anywhere near where we'd like to be,

As much as I loved that we had created a holiday tradition for ourselves, I felt that to welcome the new year in the same way would be to invite more of the same. It was time for a change.

Yesterday was an amazing day.

It started with lunch with my college roommate Aimee. We had not seen each other since graduation—twenty years ago. Looking across the table at the diner was like looking back in time, except I had Wookie sitting next to me.

Aimee and I picked up where left off. Twenty years wiser, and with families and careers of our own. Two adults, but certainly not "grown-ups"—which I am certain is something we swore never to become. So one college goal well met!

After a very fun lunch and promises to see Aimee again soon, Wookie and I set off for our next stop—my last wedding of 2012.

Patricia and Larry had been together for 45 years and were finally tying the knot in an intimate ceremony at the Grounds for Sculpture in Hamilton, NJ at The Rat's restaurant. As we gathered and got ready, I heard them say that we were actually at the site of their first date. That just made the celebration more magical.

It's hard to beat a wedding where the groom breaks out into a dance after he kisses his bride. That kind of joy is why I love being a Life-Cycle Celebrant. Wookie was by my side, and sharing that moment made it all the more special for me.

We had one more stop for the night. Instead of our usual celebration alone, Wookie and I would celebrate with friends. We continued our southerly trek through New Jersey to meet friends Rich and Debbie.

I'd never been to Atlantic City, though I'd flown over it many times. Debbie and Rich had a fabulous night planned for us. We started with a buffet at one of the casinos. Wookie and I often have very different food preferences and this place had us both very happy.

Rich has his own buffet rules. I think he summed it up as "all protein, no salad, no veggies." But I couldn't resist laying some gorgeous baby carrots (real ones with a little bit of the tops still on) and a few fingerling potatoes next to the lovely lobster I chose for my first course. When I met Wookie back at the table, he had chosen some beef medallions, that were tender enough to cut with butter knife.

Sitting across from Debbie and Rich, we had a great time. Our troubles forgotten for the night. I worked my way through two lobsters and a small bowl of duck soup (which I highly recommend!) before moving to the amazing deserts. There was chocolate mousse served in the delicate petals of a chocolate tulip—so thin that the heat of my hand holding the plate started the chocolate melting. But I really loved the tiny chocolate cup-cake with icing that I think was infused with rose essence.

I had such a good time, I didn't even stop to take pictures!

As a food coma descended across the table, we made our move for the boardwalk. Wookie and I haven't been on many double dates. I loved walking down the boardwalk, two couples, chatting and people watching.

Rich promised us good people watching and AC certainly delivers! The four of us were fairly well bundled up. I wore several layers against the winter chill, but everywhere were girls in dresses that covered about as much as my bathing suit—no coats, not even a scarf. It might have been an old fogy moment for me, but I can't remember being so impervious to cold when I was young. Though someone in our group theorized that the mass quantities of alcohol in their blood might be acting as anti-freeze.

Midnight came—celebrated prematurely by some people around us and a little late by others. At Wookie's request, we met the new year outside, looking this time out toward the dark waters of the Atlantic. We compared cell phones with Rich and Debbie. When both phones agreed it was midnight, we wished each other a happy new year!

I kissed my Wookie and as he wrapped his arms around me, I greeted the new year with hope.

This morning I learned of an African proverb, "If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."

Wookie and I will go far, accompanied by good friends.

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope your 2013 is full of good friends, good health, joy, prosperity, and love.

A Better Meme

I keep seeing these memes going around saying "when someone asks how you you're doing, don't dwell on your troubles, focus on the positive."

While I do understand the idea of focusing on the positive--and that it can help a person get through rough times, I also know how difficult it can be to ask for help when you need it.

I know there were plenty of times in the past when I answered, "how are you" with "I'm fine" but I should have said "things are bad and I need help."

There are a lot of people who suffer from Depression or other problems (financial for example) who answer "I'm fine" because they don't want to trouble others with their problems.

I've moved past that. I prefer to think that when someone asks how you're doing, it's because they care to know. I one doesn't care, there are other questions to ask to make casual conversation. How's the weather? Read any good books lately? Can you pass the salt?

These are hard times for a lot of people--my little family included—but I've made no secret of that. Wookie and I are lucky in that we have some great friends around us—and family too. I would wish the same for everyone.

Wouldn't it be better to encourage people to ask for help if they need it?

A better meme would be, "If you ask how someone is doing—listen for the answer." Or "When a friend asks how you're doing, remember a true friend wants to know."

I don't care if you wrap the message in pictures of kittens and bunnies or little old ladies, or what have you. The package doesn't matter. What matters is squashing the idea that people should suffer in silence, spouting rainbows and unicorns so as not to bring others down.

I'd like to think we're better than that, or that we should aim to be.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was cropping this picture from last year to make it look better. Then I realized that most important part of this picture isn't the turkey or the stuffing. It's the people gathered around the table.

With everyone in our lives so far flung it's impossible to be with everyone we care about. We have friends and family all over the U.S. and all over the world. Even if we don't see you every day, know that Wookie and I are thankful to have you in our lives.

Road Trip: Day 3 It's All Handled

When I packed for this trip, I tried to account for a variety of possible circumstances, incidences, and emergencies we might meet on the road. I gifted Ana a fire extinguisher for her car. I packed the first aid kit from my car and clothes for a variety of climates and temperature swings.

I was not prepared for an emergency at home.

Wookie called last night to report a huge water issue at home. The flooding had done a lot of damage.

It was one of those times when you know who your friends are and we have many. My brother in law came right away and helped Wookie deal with clean up. Good friends Mark and Rich said they'd be over today.

Paul's computer was damaged. Mine was already down. Today two of my celebrant friends offered me loaner computers.

There were hours where I debated going home. Ana figured out several flights I could take from a variety of stops.

Wookie said I should stay. He's got it handled. When I checked in this evening he and Rich were laughing and having dinner. Lots left to do but he's got it handled. (Yes, I am repeating myself. )

Travel details for today: Tennessee. Knoxville, Nashville, Memphis, Little Rock.

It's a blur.

Tomorrow, we continue west.

Road Trip!

When I was a kid we went camping every year.

My parents, my little sister, and our two small dogs would pile into a car with every available inch of space inside and on top packed full and tied down with camping gear. We would be out of touch while we were away. No way to reach us but to call the ranger station. Payphones our only means of calling while we were away. Nothing to guide us but paper maps with a carefully highlighted route.

I am amazed by how much has changed within my lifetime. I am not sure what I would do if I suddenly found myself back then. When I leave the house for coffee, I carry an arsenal of technology that, in the 70s, NASA would have envied. Between my phone and my tablet I am reachable and traceable by any number of methods. I have maps at my fingertips that show me sattelite views and traffic. Between these two devices I have two GPS units with multiple navigation apps--and that is not counting the actual dedicated GPS for my car.

Camping memories from the 70s. I'm the tall one.

Between my phone and a couple of little red Nikons, I usually have enough digital cameras on me to document every event in my life several times over in stills and video. And thanks to the wonders of digital media, I can take hundreds of pictures a day. A far cry from the little 110mm camera we had when I was a kid with it’s little film cartridges. We had to wait till we got home and then wait some more for those pictures to be developed.  I have the option of sharing my pictures almost instantaneously.

I am going on a road trip. 

My friend needs to get her car and her dog across country. I'm going to help her get there and get a much needed break along the way. When I was growing up, a trip like this would have meant being totally unreachable. Today, my husband, AAA, and 911 are all as close as the phone in my purse. Thanks to Skype, I'll even be able to see Paul and meet with prospective clients. 

In some ways, driving thousands of miles will be no different than going down the block.

My phone/GPS/Camera/Video Camera/Concierge/Tri-Corder...
in a picture I took and edited 5 minutes ago.

The flip side of the convenience though is knowing that my daily barage of social media and email will also follow me. I will pick and choose what gets to interrupt my trip. But the truth is that I have become acustomed to being there and responding, often immediately. I have to wonder if pretending to be unreachable will be more stressful than actually being so. I guess we’ll see.

We’re going from New York to Phoenix. Our route is not strictly planned, though we have a date by which we need to arrive so I can fly back. It’s going to be an adventure and, dear readers, I may just take you all along for the ride.

The Passing of a Little Mischief in My Life

Prelude

Frankie

Sometime in the year before we were married, one of our roommates came to us asking if it would be alright for her to cat-sit a pair of kittens for a few days.  Her friend was moving, she said, and she was worried about the tiny kittens getting lost or hurt.

Paul and I laughed. Our roommate didn’t understand that she had just adopted two cats.

Time passed and the kittens stayed. The roommate would mention from time to time that it would just be a few more days. Paul and I would laugh because she still didn’t understand that she had adopted 2 cats.

Sometimes the roommate would leave for the weekend and we, I mean Paul, would feed the kittens. “Don’t get attached.” I’d say. But who was I kidding. At the time we already had four cats between us—we each came into the relationship with two. So obviously we are the type to become attached.

Time passed some more and the kittens, as they do, became young lady cats and went into heat. The roommate asked who our vet was so she could get them fixed. Paul and I laughed because once you pay for surgery, you have definitely adopted the cats.

Our wedding was fast approaching and the roommate announced she was moving out. She was going to put the cats in a shelter if she couldn’t find a home for them. Paul and I stopped laughing. We had just adopted two more cats.

On the Subject of Bullies

Like many, I have been saddened by the stories of young people taking their lives because of bullies. A lot of people are contributing videos to the It Gets Better Project. I wanted to use this blog to add my two cents.

Bullies are fearful, diminished individuals who are so insecure of the validity of their own convictions or themselves that they must rage against anything or anyone that presents the possibility that an alternative exists. And they make their point by force, or with words, or by exclusion. Some can do it with a look. Some do it in person, some online, or by text. Some use the media, some even use the pulpit.

Bullies exist in all walks of life, at all ages. Some are individuals; some are groups, governments, institutions, and religions.

They get the most attention because they scream the loudest. Because happy, satisfied, secure people don’t spend a lot of time screaming that everyone should be as they are. Happy, satisfied, secure people are fine with the existence of differences; they understand that it takes a lot of different people to make a society work. It doesn’t shake their sense of self to see that alternatives exist. The best embrace them.

I dealt with bullies when I was a kid. In grade school there was a girl who picked on me and threatened to beat me up after school. (I showed up. She didn’t.)

I went to a very cliquey high school where kids ran in similarly dressed tribes and didn’t belong to any of them. This made me very unpopular with certain girls. I was picked on for a while because I hadn’t developed yet and later because I had developed too much.

Bullies tend to pick on something their victims can’t change, or can’t change easily. I spent a fair amount of my time trying to be invisible. But eventually I learned that the true power was in focusing on myself and not caring what they thought.

(I’ll admit this tactic is most effective against bullies who are using physical attack.)

People will tell you that it gets better. I’ll join that chorus.

I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that the most important thing is not to give up. What bullies want is to kill your hope and your faith in yourself. Don’t give that to them. It’s too precious and worth way more than their opinion of you.

As I said before, bullies try to be the loudest voice in the room, so they can’t be ignored. Don’t confuse them with the majority. And please don’t confuse people who claim to speak for God with words of hate as speaking for everyone either. They speak for themselves. They may speak for their small group. But they don’t speak for everyone and they are most likely not people you would want to spend your time with anyway.

So how is it that things get better?

Don’t put up with it. If you’re being harassed or threatened, tell someone, tell everyone. Keep talking till someone helps.

Unfortunately our culture is entirely too comfortable with hazing. And you may find that people in your life expect you to roll with it. They survived, now it’s your turn. Or they may just not want to hear what you have to say because they disagree or can’t deal.

If you can’t find someone in your circle to help you, expand your circle. Talk to the parent of a friend or a teacher or go farther out. Groups like the Trevor Project can help. If the focus of the bullying isn’t a matter of gender identity, there are other groups that can help. A quick Google search can help you find someone.

Focus on what matters to you and have faith in yourself. Focus on the people who accept you as you are and if you haven’t found them yet, keep looking. They are out there and they probably feel like you do. And remember that the best way to find new friends is to take a chance and just be one.

Focus on what you’re good at and passionate about. Share your gifts. Teach someone what you know, make art, make music, study what interests you. These are the things that will matter later and make your life bigger and more wonderful.

And listen to the softer voices. Pay attention to the people who smile at you, the ones who celebrate your achievements, the people who don’t feel the need to shout from the rooftops that different is bad.

You’ll find that we out number the bullies. They’re the ones who don’t belong because they hold themselves apart.

Your life has so much more in store for you than their narrow worldview can even guess at.  And you’ll find your happiness when they’re still cowering in fear, grasping at their narrow world view and screaming against the winds of change.

Bluer skies and better days await you.

I Love a Diner

This week found us back in south Jersey to see Rich again. Paul and Rich went for a quick dive in Barnegat Lake and we ended the evening in this diner.

I love diners. They are the staples of dining out for me.  I love that you can get anything at any time of day and when it comes to the older, classic diners, I love the decor.

The Forked River Diner is one of those classic diners. Outside, it's clad in the prerequisite chrome. Inside, mirrors, chrome, teal vinyl, booths and bar stools complete the picture.

We arrived a little before closing on a weeknight. Paul and Rich ordered breakfast and I ordered a cheeseburger deluxe. There's a relaxed familiarity with diners in general that seems to settle in once you sit down. Maybe it's the expectation of comfort food or the timelessness atmosphere.

After we ordered, we settled in to discuss the afternoon and upcoming plans. I snapped a few pictures with my phone, trying  to capture the moment without disturbing it for the handful of other diners who were also enjoying the evening.

We were last out of the diner — a first for me; the diners near us are open 24/7.  After we dropped Rich off, Paul and I headed home. The parkway flashed by in a blur.