A Single Shade of Grey: Sometimes a Thank You Means No Thank You

A few months ago I found myself in an unexpected position. I had to say no thank you without actually saying it.


After a very long dry spell I finally had a job interview. I prepared for days—researching the company, scraping together money to print new business cards and gathering appropriate writing samples. I had not been on a job interview in years and so I read all I could on questions to ask and answers to have. I prepared to present myself as exactly what they needed me to be.

Things were going very well. On paper, I was a great match for the position. My writing samples were a near perfect match for their own documentation. The people were nice and friendly. It wasn't going to be interesting work, but it was work I am good at and the company appeared to value the contributions of its writing staff.

I was getting ready to ramp up the charm for the final push. I had researched the company, I had my mental checklist of questions to ask about the position, and answers to questions like "where do you see yourself in five years?" It wasn't my ideal job, they were not big on telecommuting, but my little family needed the paycheck and I could make this work.

I had one more person to meet with and I was asked if I wanted a look around to see the workspace. I am so glad I said yes because that is when they lost me.

It was as if the office had been designed around my own personal list of depression triggers. High-walled grey cubes, the color of a rainy day in winter, sat in a field of matching grey carpet in a windowless area. The few people that were there were working in complete silence and, as I was taken through the office, I didn't see one personal item in any of the workspaces. It was sterile, uninspiring, and stifling.

I had already met with two people and those potential co-workers I had spoken with had been enthusiastic about the company but had described a typical work day as "heads down" and the office itself was in the middle of nowhere. So I could see there would be little in the way of conversation during the day and nowhere to escape to for lunch. I imagined what it would be like to work there in the winter, to go from the grey of early morning to 8 or 9 hours of silent grey on grey to the gloom of a commute that would have me home well after dark. It was not a good picture.

Between the dull work, the commute cutting into my time with Wookie and my Celebrant work (the two things that keep me sane and centered), and the incredibly dreary work environment, I realized that the worst case scenario would be if they offered me the job.

I'm sure this may sound ridiculous to a lot of people. I know some would say I should have sucked it up—that work is work—but having a job wasn't going to do me and Wookie any good if it pushed into the deep grey funk of Depression. I've been there and done that—I have no desire to go back if I can help it.

So I became a bit of a cold fish for the rest of the interview. I am sure the lead interviewer noted a drop in my enthusiasm even if she didn't know why. I wasn't in a position to refuse a job if it was offered to me, but I knew this job would not be good for me.

We entered the "Do you have any questions?" phase of the interview. I simply responded (repeatedly) that they had given me a lot to think about.

When I talked with Wookie after the interview, he was supportive. We discussed the possible ramifications on my unemployment should I actually be offered the position and then turn it down. We agreed that, while we needed the money, it would do us little good if my mental health wound up in the toilet as a result.

That was when the world's most non-committal thank you letter was born.

 Dear [People I Interviewed With]: 

Thank you for taking the time to meet with me yesterday about the [writer] position at Company X. I appreciate the opportunity to learn more about Company X and its [writing] department and to see your workspace. 

I was impressed with what I learned about the company and how it operates. I was also pleased to see that its [writing] staff is a valued part of the organization. It’s nice to see how much you all enjoy working there. 

I am pleased to know that my past experience and writing samples are similar to what you already have in place. If you have any more questions about my experience or skills, please let me know. 

Sincerely, 

Me 

I never heard back from them.

While there was never a guarantee I'd get that job anyway, I'm glad I acted against getting it. A short while later I was hired for a better job, one where the work is interesting and I can telecommute.

It's the next best thing to being able to work solely for myself. I'm more productive on my own and I don't bother anyone with my need to read things aloud to work out just the right wording. My home office is full of the things that inspire me. My commute is a walk down the hall. When I'm done with the day job, I can take care of Celebrant business without dealing with an hour plus of traffic first and when I need a bit of conversation, there's always a Wookie or a cat to talk to.

Wedding Brought to You by Skype

Skype has become my new favorite business tool.


My last two wedding clients' both met with me via Skype rather than in person. For Karen and Wes, it was a matter of scheduling and convenience. Pamela and Scott live in Scotland, so an in-person meeting in advance of their trip to NY was impossible.

The video calls make it possible to for me to see my friend in Canada (sometimes daily), meet clients face-to-face regardless of where they live or what time it is in our respective time zones, and have conferences with my Celebrant students. It's like being on Star Trek--or sometimes Space Balls--I told you never to call me on this wall!

Yesterday, I was able to do something very special for my couple. The bride's mother was unable to make the trip to the states to attend the wedding. So I set up a Skype call and she was able to see everything online. It was a sweet moment when Pamela made her entrance and realized that her mom could see her. Every once in a while I'd glance over and see her on the screen of my tablet. After the ceremony, they took some time to chat. I was so happy to be able to make that happen for them.

I never cease to be amazed that these things are possible and accessible. Sometimes I wonder what will come next!

(See Pamela and Scott's Wedding Video.)

Getting Crafty

Sometimes necessity is the mother of craftiness--or a damn good excuse to break out the beads and fabric!

The last couple of weeks were very busy but created opportunities for me to make some things that have been on my list for a while.

Drink markers:


My friend and her husband recently moved in to a new apartment. Her housewarming (or "apartment heating" as they called it) was the perfect occasion for me to make these drink markers as a housewarming gift.

The rings are meant to go around the stems of wine glasses so you know which one is yours.

The rings are cut from a coil of sterling silver wire. I bent the ends to form a hook and loop closure.  The beads are metal, glass, and stone.

Covered Ceremony Book


I've used the same half-sized Avery binder for most of the ceremonies I've done in my 5+ years as a Life-Cycle Celebrant®. In fact the same sheet of  paper has decorated the cover for most of that time.

I noticed before my my most recent wedding that my book was starting to show it's age. I'm trying to polish my professional image a bit. I plan on  redoing my website. I just started revamping my ceremony wardrobe. So I knew the book needed to be dealt with. I have another one, but there is something wonderful about knowing all the couples I've married and babies I've welcomed all from that one book.

I decided to make a cover. I have lots of fabric samples. I folded one the same way I used to fold paper shopping bags to make book covers when I was kid. Instead of taping it, as I would have a paper cover, I hand sewed the cover onto the book.

This cover has pockets inside for my phone and reading glasses. Next time I make one, I'll take pictures of the work in progress. I have a larger book that I use for ceremony readings and for funerals--where I have podium and don't have to hold the book up. I'll be covering that too.

In Short, My Husband Rocks!

Originally this was a much longer post, but I think that was way more detail than anyone would be interested in so I will get to the important parts. 

Saturday was my first “double”—two ceremonies in one day, in two different locations, the first involving my PA system. It was going to be a lot of running around and coordinating.

Despite having a migraine the night before and waking up with a headache, Wookie was there. He was great, as usual at the first ceremony—setting up the PA, coordinating with the DJ use of the limited number of electrical outlets at the outdoor location, and snapping pictures, then packing up the PA while I hunted down the necessary parties to get the paperwork signed.

It was a very busy morning and his work should have been done when we arrived at the second ceremony. I wasn’t supplying the PA for that one. He should have been able to hang out, till I was done with nothing to do but snap a few pictures of the ceremony. Instead, when there was a problem with the DJ’s PA and no mic for me, it was Wookie to the rescue. In about 15 minutes he had the PA up and tested and mics for me and the two singers.

When my mic failed, I only had to speak a few lines without it. I just stuck my hand behind me and he was there, sneaking in with a new mic. It was all but seamless. AND he got pictures of the ceremony.

Finally, because the ceremony started very late, he packed up the PA in the dark while I, again, tended to the legalities—marriage license, etc.

There was a lot going on with that second wedding. People were late due to traffic, we were losing the light, tension was high. But thanks to Wookie, the couple was able to have a ceremony their guests could hear. I didn’t have to worry about anything, the moment I said there was a problem, he jumped in to fix it—leaving me to deal with other issues like discussing backup plans and making sure everyone was ready for their part in the ceremony.

He really saved the day, not just for me, but more importantly for my clients and their guests. I could not ask for a better partner. I’m the Celebrant, but Inclusive Ceremonies wouldn’t be what it is without my Wookie. 

The Aqua Wookie in his native environment. His amphibious nature makes the Aqua Wookie a superb SCUBA Instructor as well as sound engineer, roadie, assistant, sherpa, and photographer for weddings and other ceremonies.
I would not be doing the work I love if not for him.

The Ceremony Project

I admit a certain bias when it comes to weddings. I think the ceremony is what makes it a wedding. The cake, flowers, etc. are icing on the cake. But it's been my experience that ceremonies often get the short end of the stick when it comes to wedding planning. (Twice I've been contacted about weddings where the couple had all the details planned and then realized they forgot to plan the ceremony.)

I've wanted to write about this for a while, but I wanted to take it beyond my anecdotal evidence. Till today, I wasn't sure how to do that.

Today, I was playing with StumbleUpon and I had an idea. Take a random sampling of wedding-related sites as revealed by StumbleUpon and see what attention, if any, they give to ceremonies.

I set the StumbleUpon filter to weddings and clicked Stumble! 30 times. Each time I saved the website for review later. At a glance I have a variety of sites, wedding blogs, photographer sites, boutiques, wedding planners and more. It will be interesting to see what I find.

The results will be revealed on my Inclusive Ceremonies blog.

Observations on Creating and Teaching an Online Course

Tonight I finished teaching the very first course I developed myself. It was an introduction to Social Media geared toward my Life-Cycle Celebrant colleagues.

First, let me say I knew it would take a fair amount of effort to develop a course from scratch. Next time, however, I will take my original estimate of the time involved and multiply it by five.

From the outside, it might have appeared no big deal, teach a group to use the tools I spend a good portion of my time fooling around on. Toss in some screen shots and we're off--but there was much more to it than that.

In the last month, I've taught myself Power Point, created three slide show presentations averaging over 60 slides each and learned to conduct a webinar. (The webinars were made successful by husband Paul, who handled the organizer duties.)


In an unexpected turn of events, I also had to re-teach myself the very subjects I was going to teach my students because the two sites I was covering (Facebook and Blogger) had undergone some very noticeable changes since I first started using them.  (Two happy side effects of that were that my other blog InclusiveCermeonies got an unscheduled revamp and this blog was created.)

Over all, I am very happy with the experience. The course took place over three Wednesdays, but it dominated my June. Who would have thought I'd be glad to have only one ceremony booked this month?  My only other priority this month was our vow renewal--which was lovely.

So, from here it's back to ceremonies. This weekend I'll be writing a vow renewal for my good friend Dana and also a wedding ceremony for another couple. Both of these ceremonies will take place over the next three weeks.

For now, it's a three-day weekend. I'll be writing those ceremonies, putting together the take-away materials for my class and maybe getting some sunshine. That will be the least busy I've been for a long while.