Bouncing Back

It's been a very rough few weeks here. It began with our Biggles passing away. We had been hoping for more time with him and his presence is so sorely missed. I still have not been able to write about it, though I will eventually post a tribute to him, like I did for Frankie.

A week to the day later, we found out that someone had cloned one of our bank cards and drained one of our checking accounts. And then, because we weren't having enough fun, a week and a few days after that, I lost my job.

Losing my job came as a complete shock. I was in the middle of several ongoing projects. Everyone was happy with my work—and said so. To the best of my knowledge, my contract was going to be renewed and paperwork was underway.

It was the Tuesday following Labor Day. I was in up to my ears and having a very productive day when the phone rang. It was the consulting agency that signed my checks and my rep with the agency said, "we've just received a very strange email from the client. Today is your last day."

I'm in my forties. I've had my fair share of jobs. I've never lost a job like that. No warning. No explanation. It was three-thirty in the afternoon and in less than two hours, I was going to be unemployed.

To say I was in shock doesn't even begin to describe what I was feeling. I had no idea what we were going to do. I didn't even have a final week's worth of pay to look forward to, just my earnings for that Tuesday, minus the usual taxes and the cost of health insurance for two. (It didn't amount to much.)

It angered me to be dismissed with so little care—to know that my work could be deemed unnecessary and unwanted by someone I'd never met. I'm not surprised though. It's the way companies operate these days the people who do the work don't matter. (Job-providers my ass!)

Wookie and I thought this job was a new beginning for us. We were hoping to finally get climbing out of the morass of debt that my little family has been trapped in. It's amazing how quickly that hope was extinguished.

After the initial shock started to wear off I had another battle to fight. I could feel Depression looming. Suddenly, for the first time in many years, I was hitting the old lows that dominated my twenties. It wasn't just the emotional lows—being sad is a perfectly justifiable reaction to getting fired. Suddenly, I was saddled with the physical side of Depression. The aches and heaviness I had not felt in years.

I fought Depression in college and throughout my twenties. I know Depression lies. But it this time I had something tangible pushing me into the darkness. It did not help that when I applied for unemployment, I had to watch a video about resources "to help me find a job and and keep it." Insult added to injury because I had done nothing to earn my dismissal.

The ache of depression pushed my shoulders down and made my joints hurt. I steeled myself for battle. There was too much to do and I could not afford to be in that pit again. I had obligations to meet. While the day-job was over, I still had other work to do and more than that, I had Wookie.

In my darkest moments, Wookie was there. He brought me roses and told me how much he loves me and needs me. Wookie reminded me of the difference I make—Wookie, who has also been struggling to find work, but still gives back. He trains a search and rescue squad to help others in times of crisis and has never hesitated to help someone else in need. If giving back could pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads, we'd be set.—Wookie reminded me of the lives I touch as a Celebrant and teacher. Loss of the day-job had not changed that.

The Social Media course I teach my fellow Celebrants every summer was due to start that Thursday night. I had to pull myself together. I also had several weddings coming up that needed to be revised, written or officiated. My other professional life was still intact and this work—while it usually has to take the back-burner to the higher-pay and health insurance of the day job—was important.

The first session of my social media class was just one hour, but I felt immeasurably better afterwards. The heaviness and pains of Depression had faded. Was I still sad? Sure. Was I still afraid of what the future would bring? Absolutely! But I was reminded that I still had work with a purpose.

People tie so much of their identities to work. Take that away and you can hurt someone on more than a financial level. I think there are two kinds of work. The kind you do for the paycheck and the kind you do to make a contribution. If you're lucky, you get to do both at once. Sadly, I think many people don't ever look past the paycheck. Maybe they don't think they can.

My day job as a technical writer was a paycheck job. I enjoyed the people I worked with. I enjoyed the challenge and always worked to exceed expectations. I even enjoyed the products I was working on. But at the end of the day, I don't believe lives were touched or improved by what I worked on for 40-hours a week. When I walked away at the end of the day, I had money but little else. The same can be said for most of the 9-5 jobs I've had.

I believe my work as a Life-Cycle Celebrant® makes the world a better place. It glorifies Love. It honors the individuals, couples, and families I serve. I tell their stories, because they are important enough to be heard. I respect and honor their wishes and help I them celebrate in ways that are unique, because each person's experience of life is unique.

When I walk away after a ceremony, I feel satisfied. I know I've made a difference. This may sound like just so much fluff, but I've been the client and I know how it touched my life to be heard and have my wishes honored. I've also had the honor of hearing from clients and their friends and family about what their ceremonies meant to them.

When I teach my fellow Celebrants, I know more lives will be touched by what they carry forward. It all ripples out like rings from a stone tossed in the water.

So here I am looking for a new day job and I know that there may come another day when an employer decides that my contribution is unimportant and lets me go.  Luckily for me, I know that my work as a Celebrant is important and always will be.

I'm never going to get rich as a Celebrant, though my hope remains to eventually make a full-time career of it. But for now, as some parts of our world come crashing in on us, I know that no matter where Wookie and I end up, we will always have each other and I will always have Celebrancy as away to contribute to the world. What I get back from Wookie and Celebrancy is a wealth that can't be measured.

A Single Shade of Grey: Sometimes a Thank You Means No Thank You

A few months ago I found myself in an unexpected position. I had to say no thank you without actually saying it.


After a very long dry spell I finally had a job interview. I prepared for days—researching the company, scraping together money to print new business cards and gathering appropriate writing samples. I had not been on a job interview in years and so I read all I could on questions to ask and answers to have. I prepared to present myself as exactly what they needed me to be.

Things were going very well. On paper, I was a great match for the position. My writing samples were a near perfect match for their own documentation. The people were nice and friendly. It wasn't going to be interesting work, but it was work I am good at and the company appeared to value the contributions of its writing staff.

I was getting ready to ramp up the charm for the final push. I had researched the company, I had my mental checklist of questions to ask about the position, and answers to questions like "where do you see yourself in five years?" It wasn't my ideal job, they were not big on telecommuting, but my little family needed the paycheck and I could make this work.

I had one more person to meet with and I was asked if I wanted a look around to see the workspace. I am so glad I said yes because that is when they lost me.

It was as if the office had been designed around my own personal list of depression triggers. High-walled grey cubes, the color of a rainy day in winter, sat in a field of matching grey carpet in a windowless area. The few people that were there were working in complete silence and, as I was taken through the office, I didn't see one personal item in any of the workspaces. It was sterile, uninspiring, and stifling.

I had already met with two people and those potential co-workers I had spoken with had been enthusiastic about the company but had described a typical work day as "heads down" and the office itself was in the middle of nowhere. So I could see there would be little in the way of conversation during the day and nowhere to escape to for lunch. I imagined what it would be like to work there in the winter, to go from the grey of early morning to 8 or 9 hours of silent grey on grey to the gloom of a commute that would have me home well after dark. It was not a good picture.

Between the dull work, the commute cutting into my time with Wookie and my Celebrant work (the two things that keep me sane and centered), and the incredibly dreary work environment, I realized that the worst case scenario would be if they offered me the job.

I'm sure this may sound ridiculous to a lot of people. I know some would say I should have sucked it up—that work is work—but having a job wasn't going to do me and Wookie any good if it pushed into the deep grey funk of Depression. I've been there and done that—I have no desire to go back if I can help it.

So I became a bit of a cold fish for the rest of the interview. I am sure the lead interviewer noted a drop in my enthusiasm even if she didn't know why. I wasn't in a position to refuse a job if it was offered to me, but I knew this job would not be good for me.

We entered the "Do you have any questions?" phase of the interview. I simply responded (repeatedly) that they had given me a lot to think about.

When I talked with Wookie after the interview, he was supportive. We discussed the possible ramifications on my unemployment should I actually be offered the position and then turn it down. We agreed that, while we needed the money, it would do us little good if my mental health wound up in the toilet as a result.

That was when the world's most non-committal thank you letter was born.

 Dear [People I Interviewed With]: 

Thank you for taking the time to meet with me yesterday about the [writer] position at Company X. I appreciate the opportunity to learn more about Company X and its [writing] department and to see your workspace. 

I was impressed with what I learned about the company and how it operates. I was also pleased to see that its [writing] staff is a valued part of the organization. It’s nice to see how much you all enjoy working there. 

I am pleased to know that my past experience and writing samples are similar to what you already have in place. If you have any more questions about my experience or skills, please let me know. 

Sincerely, 

Me 

I never heard back from them.

While there was never a guarantee I'd get that job anyway, I'm glad I acted against getting it. A short while later I was hired for a better job, one where the work is interesting and I can telecommute.

It's the next best thing to being able to work solely for myself. I'm more productive on my own and I don't bother anyone with my need to read things aloud to work out just the right wording. My home office is full of the things that inspire me. My commute is a walk down the hall. When I'm done with the day job, I can take care of Celebrant business without dealing with an hour plus of traffic first and when I need a bit of conversation, there's always a Wookie or a cat to talk to.

Conversations With Wookie

2 minutes ago...

Me: Studied Shakespear for four years and I still can't spell Renaissance

Wookie: If you wanted to spell Renaissance, you should have studied history!

Renaissance Wedding Revisted

    

Wedding Brought to You by Skype

Skype has become my new favorite business tool.


My last two wedding clients' both met with me via Skype rather than in person. For Karen and Wes, it was a matter of scheduling and convenience. Pamela and Scott live in Scotland, so an in-person meeting in advance of their trip to NY was impossible.

The video calls make it possible to for me to see my friend in Canada (sometimes daily), meet clients face-to-face regardless of where they live or what time it is in our respective time zones, and have conferences with my Celebrant students. It's like being on Star Trek--or sometimes Space Balls--I told you never to call me on this wall!

Yesterday, I was able to do something very special for my couple. The bride's mother was unable to make the trip to the states to attend the wedding. So I set up a Skype call and she was able to see everything online. It was a sweet moment when Pamela made her entrance and realized that her mom could see her. Every once in a while I'd glance over and see her on the screen of my tablet. After the ceremony, they took some time to chat. I was so happy to be able to make that happen for them.

I never cease to be amazed that these things are possible and accessible. Sometimes I wonder what will come next!

(See Pamela and Scott's Wedding Video.)

On Throwing in the Towel…Or Not

I think of 2011 as my crash and burn year. I lost my job and my momentum. Our house flooded...twice! After several years of go go go. I burned out. It was also a year of amazing adventures and success (just not financial success). I spoke at the Celebrant’s Collective Wisdom Conference and drove to Arizona, I tried my hand at pottery, became serious about blogging, and started taking my photography more seriously.

This has been a year of cognitive dissonance. The highs and lows of 2011 have been a roller coaster and I often felt as if I was leading two distinct lives with no middle ground. I need a change--actually Wookie and I both do.

I’ve started the last two years with resolutions and plans and failed miserably on most counts.

I’m taking a new tact this year and switching to hopes and goals. I feel that the looser frame actually leaves more room to define success and since we are in a bad place financially—and that does make for a lot of uncertainty, maybe we need to be open to an unexpected future.

After all, I never expected to be married, or a Life-Cycle Celebrant®, or a blogger. In fact, the biggest mistakes I’ve made in life have all revolved around giving up hope of something better and feeling resigned to life as it was at that moment.

I firmly believe that it’s best to always act as though what you want is possible—then you pay attention and prepare for that future. Giving up leads to stagnation and when opportunity presents itself, you’re unprepared. I admit I’ve lost sight of this ideal often enough as things have gotten harder and harder for us—but I have nothing to lose in choosing conscious optimism and plenty to lose by giving up.

So here I sit, nervous about the changes that I am sure 2012 is likely to bring, but hopeful that we will land on our feet, find a way to dig our way out of debt, and get back to a place of some security.

With that in mind, here are my personal hopes and goals for 2012:

• I hope Wookie and I find work.
  
  It may seem picky to also hope that we can do work we love, or that I find another job that lets me work from home, but I do hold those hopes as well.
  
  Wookie would love to get a [paying] job as an EMT and has been loading up on advanced courses since he completed his EMT-B. He also volunteers as the training officer for a SCUBA search and rescue squad. Everything he does is focused on teaching others or helping them in some way. For all he gives, I hope this year rewards him with the satisfaction of a steady paycheck.
  
  As for me, if I could work from home, it would leave more time for my Celebrant work—and that would mean more money to throw at our debt. I can do a lot with the time I would not be commuting. (My average commute over the years has been two to three hours a day—that’s a third of a work-day!) I also work better without the distractions of an office environment.
  
  
• My goal is to expand my Celebrancy practice. I started my zazzle shop in hopes of bringing in money for advertising. I will be updating my website as well. Realistically speaking, I will probably never be able to afford to retire outright. But I can be a Celebrant no matter what my age.
  
  
• My goal is also to market myself better for freelance work and full-time work. I’ve gained some new experience this year that can take me in new directions. I also need to remember that the work I was doing is valuable—people need the service I provide. With technology touching every aspect of our lives, people need help guides and instruction manuals. I just need to sell my service better.
  
  
• I hope we can keep our home—but if we can’t, I hope we land somewhere safe and comfortable. As long as we’re together and can take care of the cats, we’ll be fine.
  
  
• My goal is to get us better organized in terms of our home and our finances. I confess that things are a mess but if we work together we can figure it out. I just have to remember that if there are things we have to give up, we will be making room for the things we need and want.
  
  
• I still hope for us to have kids. I’m 41 and I have my fingers crossed that we still have time to make that happen.

• My goal is to take better care of myself and encourage Wookie to do the same. We’ve gotten caught up in our troubles and that makes it hard to focus on eating well and getting exercise. Wookie’s in better shape than I am, but we could both use some tuning up.

Of course, these are all personal goals revolving around my family.  I have wider hopes for the new year as well. So many of the people we love have had their lives touched by loss and illness. I hope for a year of good health and healing. And I know that there are people worse off financially than Wookie and I—I really hope the world gets its act together—that people start to see that focusing on the common good benefits them more in the long run than greed will.  (Okay, that may fall more into the category of dreams, but I can still hope for change.)

So as this year rolls out, I’ll open my heart and my arms in hopes for a better future for all of us. I try to remember that life is an adventure and that rather than throwing in the towel it’s better to always know where your towel is, because it might come in handy.

80s Pupil

So, today I was packing for my road trip. Have I mentioned how much packing for a trip stresses me out? It’s easier to move entirely. That way I have everything I need with me. So of course, on the day when I am supposed to finish packing and prep for a wedding, there is unscheduled drama.

Some Background

The eye in question.
(Taken a few weeks ago.)

I’ve been having issues with my right eye. It started with a tiny tare of the cornea, which was treated and healed quick enough. After that, it was a plugged up tear duct. (Did you know that’s actually where tears drain to and not where they come from? I didn’t.)

So that’s been getting better. Only a little irritation now and again, which is why I put a few drops of Visine in my eye this morning. I thought maybe I had a cat hair or something in my eye and I wanted to flush it out.

The Drama

So I’ve been staring at my eye every time I pass a mirror for 2 months through all these little problems. I had looked several times this morning with nothing much to notice till around 1:30.

My right pupil was dilated and the left was…not. I said to Paul, “I have a problem!”

I’m trained in first aid. I’ve had a few weeks of EMT training—I didn’t finish but I know enough to be worried when I see something like this.

I called the Eye Doctor to see if I should go to them or the ER. They said I could come in. Wookie ran a quick neurological exam before we got into the car.

My EMT Wookie is my hero. He was amazingly calm gathering up my eye drops and getting the car—all the while deciding which hospital I should go to if needed, who has a fully staffed MRI, etc.

It's good to have your own EMT on hand.
Here he is at his graduation.

On the way, I emailed my Saturday wedding ceremony to two of my colleagues with a note that I might have an “emergency” and they would be contacted if needed.  I was worried.

At the eye doctor, Wookie sat next to me and distracted me while I waited. He made me laugh and let me whine a little about how this was not what I wanted just before my trip.

They called me in. The tech asked about eye drops and said that sometimes eye drops have weird effects.  She did an exam and then left to get the doctor.

Wookie and I waited. Maybe feeling a little better, but not saying what we were worried about.

Finally the doctor came in and looked me over again. He said there were three possibilities. Wookie may remember the first two. (It’s good to have someone with you at the doctor’s office—someone to remember the things your own emotions block out.)

He said it wasn’t the first thing—I remember him saying ganglia, and nerves and palsy. (I love the word ganglia! It sounds fun, stringy and not at all scary.)

He said it wasn’t the second thing, an aneurism—The word my mind had been searching for when I saw my eye…the word Wookie had been biting his tongue on while he made contingency plans, plotted routes to the hospital in his mind and probably rehearsed what he’d says when he brought me in.

The doctor said it was most likely 80s Pupil.

That’s what I heard, at least. He explained the test for it—diluted drops of some stuff that would not affect my pupil if the dilation were caused by options one or two.

He put the drops in my eye and asked if I had any questions before he stepped out. I asked him to spell 80s so I could Google it. He said Adies. Here is what I found out.

When the doctor came back, he said I shouldn’t go nuts with Google. Wookie and I both laughed and said it was too late. (I have to wonder if it’s a physician’s nightmare, knowing that your patients can look up the medical terms they spout out in the time it takes them to stick their head out of the door and order up a test.)

So here I am, with a weird neurological thing that may occasionally make me look like I have a head injury—but is really nothing to worry about. Just what I needed. Though I am grateful that it was not any of the scarier alternatives.

©Cristina Kollet 2011

Wookie and I joked around, but I know both of us were worried. This is all just one more reason I need a break.

Excuses, Excuses

So I’m finally packed. I had a bunch of other errands to run today, which I will squeeze in tomorrow.

I was supposed to send an email out today and Wookie reminded me about it. I said it had totally slipped my mind and this was his response.

“Oh, the whole I may have had an aneurism excuse. Biggles used that last week.”

52 Weeks of Photos, Week 1 Summer/Winter

Last year I participated in a photo challenge--52 Weeks of Photos on AltDotLife. At the beginning of the 52 weeks, a list of topics (one for each week) was posted. Each week participants would submit their photos and then vote on their favorites. I even won a few times.


Well, it's starting up again--this time without the voting. Last time I didn't manage to participate every week. This time, it's my goal to submit a photo for every week.


This week's topic is Summer/Winter (depending on the participant's hemisphere). I've been carrying cameras with me all week. (Okay that's not unusual.)

Here are the photos I considered for submission this week:

This one is in NYC just outside Port Authority Bus Terminal. I had to go into the city to meet with clients and it was a lovely day, but really this was my "just in case I don't get a chance to take any pictures" picture.

©Cristina Kollet 2011

Paul and I were invited to our niece's pool party. Paul is an AquaWookie by nature and so I couldn't pass up these rare photos of him in his native environment.

©Cristina Kollet 2011

©Cristina Kollet 2011

©Cristina Kollet 2011

©Cristina Kollet 2011

I love this picture of birds taking off next to the pool. But I think it's too abstract for anyone who wasn't there.

©Cristina Kollet 2011

 Nothing says Summer like ice cream! (But the background doesn't make this a great picture.)

©Cristina Kollet 2011

This shot was good in theory but the composition and focus don't come close to what was in my head.

©Cristina Kollet 2011

This is my new favorite picture of the two of us. It was one of those rare times when I managed to hold the camera just right. My friend Julia is a master of the arm-extended self portrait. I usually get the top of our heads or maybe someone's ear.

This is the picture I'll be posting for Week 1. We've had a very nice few days and this is how I want to remember the summer.

©Cristina Kollet 2011

The Beginners Guide to Self Promotion

Last weekend I watched the class of 2011 graduate from the Celebrant Foundation & Institute.  106 students and alumni received certificates and began their Life-Cycle Celebrancy practices with specialized training, a wealth of resources and a strong desire to bring their skills and talents to the world.

But how to get started? Many of us are hesitant to talk about the things we’re passionate about. We’re afraid of appearing pushy or that people may not want what we have to offer. Of course we have websites and ads and social media to get the word out, but nothing replaces face-to-face interactions—especially if your business can benefit from word-of-mouth recommendations.

This is true, not just of Celebrancy but many, if not all small businesses. So here are my tips for self-promotion.

1. Get comfortable with the idea that you have something to offer that people want and need.   If you encountered someone with a flat tire and you had a jack in your car would you say “I’m not a mechanic.” Or would you say, “I have a tool you can use to fix your tire.”

Whether you’ve been trained in your field or built up real-life experience—if you can honestly say that you have something to offer, get comfortable saying so.

Start with telling friends and family what you want to do. It will get it out in the open, make it real, and help you develop the words you’ll use when talking to strangers.

2. Talk about it to everyone. “What do you do?” is one of the most common questions people ask to get to know each other.  Don’t fall back on answering with the day job if that’s not where your heart is. Talk about what you really are. “I’m a Life-Cycle Celebrant®/artist/singer.” “I act in our local theatre.”

Remember the power of word-of-mouth. Then next person you speak to may not need you but may recommend you to someone next week or next month.

3. Get business cards and keep them with you at all times. If you don’t feel you’re ready for “business cards” print up calling cards. What you want to do is make your contact information available to people you meet and leave them with a reminder of who you are and what you spoke about.

Everyone gets my business card. I’ve given them to restaurant managers, doctors, nurses, dental hygienists, my mechanic, people on jury duty. I’ve left them on bulletin boards in bagel shops--and gotten clients that way!

Business cards are cheap, portable, and easily replenished. Use them up and order more.

4. Carry and pen and paper with you at all times. Yes, we all have smart phones now but in the time it takes to boot up the right app you could have lost the attention of the person you’re talking to. A small notepad and pen or even just a piece of paper and a golf pencil are indispensable tools. When you give someone your cards, see if you can get the person’s email address in return. That way you can send them more information later and they can view it on their time. (This is why I specify email address rather than phone number. It’s less intrusive. If they want you have their number, they will take the opportunity to give it to you.

A Tale in Seven Parts

Last week was one of busiest weeks in recent memory. Some events I could never have predicted.

©2011 Cristina Kollet

Monday my cat was diagnosed with Lymphoma. This was actually the better of possible diagnoses, as Lymphoma in cats can be treated with chemotherapy and there is hope that she may go into remission. (Fingers crossed.)

One of the things we need to watch her for is dehydration, which was a problem last week. To treat it, the vet taught me how to give her subcutaneous fluids and I performed that procedure at home Monday with Paul’s help.  It takes both of us and there was a false start, but we were ultimately successful.

©2011 Cristina Kollet

On Tuesday, I was the target of an under cover sting operation by police.